An Inkling of April

April

    This month has brought much to surprise and offer me, then I go back to work after weeks of being on leave of absence for a fall.  A trip to Colorado taken in March was wonderful to catch me up with my kids and two sisters.  Nine selfish days-three with each family, Colorado Springs, Ft. Collins and Evergreen made it the best quiet trip since we've been in California. Good time with each of them, and a glimpse of the new baby.  What could possibly be better than that?

    A week or so after I came home and tried to settle into regular life, I got a call from my sister in Michigan to say that she had failed a Cardiac stress test, and needed a Cardiac cauterization.  The cath failed, and surgery was scheduled for the three blockages in the arteries in her heart.  She is 63.  Strong, although a non-compliant diabetic with an A1c, or three month blood sugar average of 11 at the time of surgery, when it should have been 7. And a adjunct professor with a master's degree. She has never really had any heart issues of concern.  Our mother died of multi-organ failure at 63.  Regardless of how the cognitive mind knows you will be fine, no doubt, the rest of your mind, the child of her mother worries that 63 is the endgame.  I knew how she was thinking.  I know how afraid we both were for her, so I went the next morning to be in time for the surgery.  To let her know I was there.  Me, the other bad diabetic. The nurse who would fight all of the drama and  make sure she was taken care of as well as I could.  To hold the vigil when the rest went home to their lives.  I had taken the time out of mine, and am thankful I was still on leave for my ankle.  She came through wonderfully, but recovery for a strong person to change her life, is hard. 

    Strangely, it was a time for long night talks.  Sharing more than ever, no holding back.  Letting the caregiver lay back, just for once and to be the one to receive the care that only I could give her.  For once she was not able to be the strong one, and to accept my talents towards her, given in complete love.   Even that was hard, but there was no choice for her, or me.  The time was necessary.  And profound.  For both of us I think.  There was a lot of time with family, and a lot of time for her and I alone, especially at night.  And of course, a lot of time sleeping in chairs. Long conversations with her daughters, as adults that gave me an insight and appreciation of them and their strong personalities and abilities.  Seeing nieces and nephews who couldn't possibly be that old.  Calling and seeing cousins that have been scarce for years.  And having time to grieve the loss of a son of hers, together, leaving that hole in my heart a bit healed, but never closed.  Time during which I was so mortified that she kept saying, "she's a STANFORD nurse!!!".  never offering that I was a pediatric nurse, and really didn't know about adult cardiac issues. 

    After I finally made the long tired trip home, with a train ride, layover, and long flight home.  I was exhausted with not much sleep for seven days, and worry as well as letting go of any control I might have had in the situation-that part is hard.   I so glad I maxed my credit cards out to go.  It was worth every minute, she is my sister-she's not heavy.

    S0, back to work I go this week.  Finishing up with the class on Vietnam, the drudgery of so much information that will never mean much to me, but needed to be taken, as there was no alternative offered.  But that is another story.  Then I will be back to more nursing classes, and math.  I've decided not to dread that, but to learn it.  Work will be good, although I will never be sorry for this quiet time.  The time to go, time to sort things out mentally, write, study and plan.  You know how to make God laugh?  Tell him your plan.

S

Home again.....

Home again, ...and really not quite.

    Home for a week or so from my time in Colorado with the family.  What a best time!!  Just really what I needed and I could have stayed for another two weeks had I not been in anyone's way. Unless one is living in a big house with extra bedrooms for guest, its always a bit of a pain to have someone visit, but my people tolerated me.  Being with them really seemed like being home, no pretenses, cooking, long talks, movies, fires in the afternoon with lazy, soft snowflakes, and of course, dragons and balls and laughs.  That is the real me, surrounded by my kids and sisters.  Probably the reason that I never needed a lot of friends.  Especially as I grew older.

    My first husband led me on a nomad's existence after enticing me to leave the home that I had grown up in, at an early age of just eighteen.  I was not prepared for leaving my small town, there had been no discussion, no agreement.  I did what he needed to do.  So we traveled to the west, met people and lived an entirely different life than what I had imagined. We moved constantly.  Never in one place for long. He had been the first person who had told me he loved me-and wasn't the ex-boyfriend slash adopted brother of a best friend a great choice??  It changed everything, my type of people who surrounded me, my religion, and alienated my family, and most important my dad. 

    So, after many years and kids, a divorce, and another marriage to a man who loved me too....
his support to finish nursing school seemed like the best thing anyone had ever done for me.  Attainment of something I had wanted and should have done years before.  I ran and did everything for his business while I was in school, to do my part.  But after two years of my  practicing, he thought we should travel and I could be a "travel Nurse" who got contracts with hospitals for a few months at a time.  Go to California where he had lived before.  Seemed like an interesting idea.  I had never lived away from my girls, so I took a chance.  After almost nine years in California, and after not having traveled anywhere else during that time, I have come to love the parts of the state I've seen. The ocean is a marvel that I cannot believe I have lived without in my prior life.  Everything grows!  It's been a wonderful opportunity and it certainly has made my career as a Pediatric nurse.

    But I never meant to be away so long.  From home.  From my family.  They are understanding for many reasons, and I know why.  So many benefits from the jobs we have here have allowed a life that has come up to speed where it should be since stupid divorces and loosing so much.  So it has been good.  Education, jobs with prestige.  Ed would have been proud of his mouthy kid even seeing Stanford, not to mention being good enough to work there for so many years.  But he would not have said it.

   So, as we have been on the "home" theme lately, my friend and I, and you and I, and the many different aspects of our conception of home, I can tell you, that for myself, as a Cancer, home is paramount in my priorities.  Not the cute little house I live in now, and absolutely love.  (I told my husband that "it" was my friend the other day when he was worrying about me an my "only acquaintances" status. In other words, I have no friends here.) I am almost done with being here.  I plan to go back to family soon, give or take several months. He is wide-eyed, or looks away at the prospect. It will be a process.  Planning, saving, pre-qualifying.  I have never had much of a plan, living as I have, on the whim of other people.  But I have decided that it is time to step up and get with it, as my dear old Da used to say.  And I will.  It is the idea to be comfortable, be yourself, not the girl the other person want's you to be because he understands that you are SO different from himself.  So, I will. 

    Just a little place to paint, I have never done that, only owning one house in my life, for a very short time.  I recently dressed a large window in my bedroom with my beloved Pottery Barn linen drapes and a gorgeous pole.  It's the first time I have ever done that either.  It's not quite right, but I'll get it.  A place to garden, and be cozy.  I don't need much. A big kitchen that everyone will fit in, a fireplace, a good tub.  So, that's the plan.  My kids will have to see it before they believe it, I know.  Myself, I think I will have to see it too.  While I was home I saw a little rundown cabin for sale cheap about five house from my sister's house in the mountains.  And while it has never been my thought to live in the mountains again, I have dreamt about that little place in the snow for the last week, even while I have sat here on the Bay, looking at my wisteria blossoming.  I have mentally bulldozed it, kept it and decorated it, torn carpets and floors out, and thought about after all of these years how it would be to live a half dirt road block from my sister.  Watching the deer after I walked home for dinner at her Vegan place of residence.  Getting there and kicking my boots off and building up the fire as I see the sun setting behind Mount Evans.  Settling into my couch for a glass of wine and my book.  Home.

S

   
In the First Place.....
    It's about time that I started this.  I understand my reluctance.  But so that you do, perhaps you should read on.  This is not a serious, deep, cute, or even very thoughtful blog and I doubt that many will follow.  That's fine.  For myself and those I love, it will make a few things clear. 
    I am a mother, grandmother, wife, sister, aunt and friend.   I am a nurse, reader, movie lover, ocean addict, mountain and moon lover, and student.  I will not make a long introduction, as many of you know yourselves and the place you play in my life.  But I will give you of an inkling of my life right now.  I like the word "inkling", and I love that it has been used before by famous authors.  And as I am a bit of a rambler, inkling seems about right.

    Nine days in Colorado to see my kids, grand kids, and grandchild to be, currently called Petal.  Also three days with two of my sisters in Evergreen.  I have lived for nine years in California away from the family, and have had a great run there with my husband; seeing the wonderful area around San Francisco, and working at Stanford as a nurse.  What an education that has been!! More on that later, trust me, probably more than anyone but another nurse would like to hear.  But that's the therapy of this blog, to give an inkling of my life.  Phase two of this trip is with my oldest daughter and her family in northern Colorado yesterday and today. Boys that play and play with balls and bikes and wrestling, and a girl who loves dragons and has an imagination to match them. A few quiet days, and a trip to the Museum of Natural History and Science.  Dad helping Grandma with her technology, and a nice fondue dinner with my oldest daughter on her special day.  Can it be true?  Didn't I just carry her on my back to go explore?  You will eventually see pictures for sure. 
    Phase I was in Colorado Springs with my youngest daughter and her husband for three peaceful days visiting and attending her first prenatal ultrasound.  Words can really never express how those scans effect you when it is the first time you have met the little thing; the little string of pearls of the spine, and the movement of the tiny arms and legs, the father looking closely to see if there is another one hiding behind.  Unforgettable.  It's a new existence for all three.  A new heart that beats already between parents who have striven to make a life worth living, and loving.  Constant amazement by these parents who are trying to wrap their heads around their new little person.  We saw a movie where a person was named Petal as a nick name, and we thought it was so cute, so it has seemed to stick.  Phase three, in the mountains, and with two of my sisters for tea, evening fires and movies with vegan food.  There is never enough time in this last phase, so three days seem great. 
    Absence surely makes not only the heart grow fonder, but just the presence of your own people, your children, after so many shifts taking care of someone else's kids is like balm to the soul for a lonely mom. A caretaker at heart, and being given the gift of working in a place that shows me so many things, so many children, and yet not being near the ones I really want to take care of, is a challenge to say the least, therefore, the visit.  Balm.  It is what I needed, and just this inkling will help you know a part of me-the most important part, and I promise I will continue this to help you, and frankly, help me along on my journey and my small life.  Talk to you soon.  S